How to Not Have Fun In NZ

My original intention was to write this in two parts, the first after the North Island, and the second part for the South Island. But alas, fun times took hold of any duties I should have embraced. So, if you intend to go to New Zealand and not have fun then you should follow these rules.


Volume One.

On your first day, you should wait in line at the airport for two whole hours waiting to be checked by security,but don't have friends with you. Don't spend $35 on a haircut and then $45 on a cut-throat shave because that's too amazing. Don't share a dorm with seven girls in Paihia, but maybe lose your friend on Blackpool Beach in Waiheke, or however you spell it. Definitely avoid meeting four amazing people in Mercury Bay who you'll end up travelling the whole of the country with.

Maybe you should visit some stinky geysers- whether they're funor not is a personal opinion but either way you're going to have to hold your nose. Don't go to a Mauri evening learning about the native Kiwis and their crazy dances, but you should try mussells as they're pretty foul. If you go to Rotorua, you shouldn't drink a lot by a swimming pool before going to the bar as you'll be denied entry for staggering up the steps and then you'll return to the poolside and smash a few glasses; that's too fun for you. Depending on whether you like flying without wings, you shouldn't jump out of a plane at 15,000 ft over Taupo. Horrible as it may sound, it's incredible so you'll hate it. You probably shouldn't climb the 6,000 ft Tongariro mountain either- you'll walk for 7 hours with no supplies and you'll witness the most amazing scenery, it's a happy trip regardless of the buckets of sweat you'll lose.

When you get to River Valley, don't try and climb under and around a table or sleep in a dorm with 18 other people and only one giant bed, but you may want to blister your fingers by pulling six people across the river on the flying fox. Look it up.


Volume Two.

In the South Island, staying in the "sunniest place in New Zealand" might sound like a bad idea but relax, it'll rain the whole time. Don't eat Subway every other day and definitely, definitely don't see Juno three times at three seperate cinemas during your stay, you'll enjoy it too much. Going to Abel Tasman National Park probably won't be for you, sure you'll see the same forest for three hours whilst you're trekking, but you'll see seals and kick dead eels and stuff so don't. Then again, they have sandflies there which are the evilist bastards on the planet- the moment you bare the slightest bit of skin below your shin they're all over the show and once you shake them off your socks will be covered in blood. Do that.

If there is one activity you'll certainly not want to do, it'll be going to a pub in the middle of nowhere where you have to dress up using very little material. Don't try the bumblebee, it's too awesome. And besides, you'll end up drinking a ridiculous amount and start pile-ons in the middle of the dancefloor and on the benches outside. Don't climb the Franz Josef Glacier for 5 hours whilst speaking French and stabbing your pick-axe into every block of ice you see. It's warmer than you think.

In Wanaka, you'll probably want to fall for the old "Go and see the lake dolphins! They come out at 6pm ever day for food!" trick, that's not much fun. In Queenstown, don't watch people bungee jumping so that you decide you'll never ever do that. Then that night don't go to a bar with half-price teapots before being dragged off the dancefloor by security and thrown out as a result. Whilst you're there, don't get stuck in a lift which then breaks for the next three days forcing you to run up three flights of stairs for the duration of your stay. Oh, and if you really don't want to have fun, luging is not for you. You'll wind up doing it for three hours and having the best day ever until your friend crashes and breaks his ankle.

And finally, you'll probably want to sleep at the airport before flying to Australia- the floor's kinda hard.