The Conversation Is...

I think of myself as a (usually) good judge of character, but this is probably because I think everyone is a good person when I first meet them, until I find out that they are an asshole or a nutcase.

Whilst on a night-shift at the airport Coffee Club a fortnight or so ago, a young chap from Liverpool came in for a soy chai latte ("Harden the fuck up"). I immediately saw an opening for a bout of polite small talk, what with the fellow being from North-West England, like myself; being of a similar age, and him carrying an acoustic guitar around. I served him his fruity latte and began, "...So, are you from Liverpool then?"

"Yeah, originally. I live in Edinburgh now though. I just came out here for ten days to get away from all the shit back home. Where are you from then?"

"Well, I've lived in Blackpool for almost ten years."

"Blackpool's a fucking shithole."

"Um. Yeah, I guess. So what's it like back in Blighty now? Still buckled by recession, yeah?"

"No, mate. You see, man, the thing is, there is no recession. It's just the world government's plan to get us all back into concentration camps. History is repeating itself."

"Yeah... What?"

"Can't you see it, mate? How can the world be so fucking blind? So fucking blind all the fucking time. You know that 'Barrack Obama'? Who does he remind you of?"

"Um... um... No one in particular really?"

"Stalin? Mussolini? HITLER?!"

"Err..."

"Everyone loves him but no one realises that he's on his way to being the next Hitler. Everything about him just reeks of Nazi. He has all the same policies as Hitler, I'm tellin' ya."

(Wearily) "Yeah?"

"Do you know what 'Yes We Can' says if you play it backwards?"

"No."

"Do you know?"

"No. What does it say?"

At this point he stares directly into my eyes, and over-enunciating each word, he says,

"It says, 'I Love Satan'. Seriously. Seriously..."

"'Yes We Can' backwards is I Love Satan? But what the 'V' and..."

"Don't think about it, mate, just listen to it."

"Okay."

"But don't worry, mate. We can beat them. You and I, we're thinkers. We will fight them... with our thoughts... and with our hearts."

"Right."

"Just keep thinking, keep looking, and you'll be fine."

"Yeah, see you around, man."


I honestly, honestly, have absolutely no idea where people like that get their ideas. But I swear, every word of that conversation is true. Okay, there may be a few omissions, but everything above was said in a completely serious manner.

Only one word comes to mind,
...Ridiculous
...Absurd
...Ludicrous
...Preposterous
...Outrageous
...Audacious
...And just downright silly.