The Peter Files

From time to time, one comes across a person who is truly extraordinary, and not in the positive sense. Perhaps a better phrase would be "damn odd", but I shall stick with Extraordinary for now. Whilst thumbing my way to Sydney, which was my first real milestone, I was offered a ride by a queer fellow in a 'Big Dig' truck, whom I may have mentioned in my previous video blog venture. Refraining from going into great detail about Peter, I will instead offer you (the next-best-thing to) a first-person insight into his personailty, or what I encountered of it. This is a list of bizarre citations which spouted from his flapping jaw (in italics), littered with my puzzled responses (in standard).


"I don't believe in money, you see. I believe in the Birth Rights System, where each child is given a plot of land to do with it as they wish. Money spawns greed, and disease, and pollution, and war. I write to world leaders regularly, asking them to abolish all the mints in the world and to start over with the Birth Rights System."
(Here, he pulls out an entire folder of letter to Bill Clinton, Queen Elizabeth II, George W. Bush and Jacques Chirac, among others. In the letters he explains why destroying all the money in the world and letting people live off the land is a good idea. He also promises to send all the global leaders into exile because of their "mismanagement".)

"Did you ever get any replies?"
"Chirac's secretary wrote back once."


"So who was Joan Of Arc?"
"Huh?"
"Joan Of Arc. Who was she?"
"Some French revolutionary or something."
"What did she do?"
"Rebelled against the French monarchy? I don't know."
"When was all this then?"
"Fifteen-hundreds maybe?"
"Did she die old or young?"
"I really don't know. Twenty?"
"How did she die?"
"I think she was burnt at the stake. Why do you ask?"
"I just heard her name once."


"Ten more minutes and I'm gonna call it the longest time I've ever driven through rain."
(Half an hour later)
"Yep, I think five more minutes and I'm gonna call it."
(The next morning, still raining.)
"Yeah, I reckon another half hour and I'm gonna call it."


(With my phone to my right ear.)
"Psst! Put it to your left ear, I'll tell you why after."
"Mobile phones used to give you tumours, then when the phone companies found out they put these reflector things in them so now 80% of the radiation shoots out the back of your phone instead of into your brain, so that goes into whoever is sat next to you, you know? Now I'll probably die of a brain tumour in twenty years and so will you. The radiation will stay in the cab of the truck so you should open the window."
(To himself:)"I should make a sign saying 'No Phones'..."
"How can I ask people nicely not to use their phones in here?"
"Um, 'Don't use your phone in here please?'"
"Yeah, that's good."


"So how do I get a girlfriend, Wayne? I really want a girlfriend."


"I'll show you around the world famous Ettamongah pub."
"What's it famous for?"
"It's famous for 'G'day mate'"
"Eh?"
"It's famous for 'G'day mate'. Look at these cartoons on the walls. See? It says 'mate' a lot."
"Oh..."


"I'm a full-time protester. And a full-time furniture-mover."


"I'm meeting my friend from Mildura in Brisbane and some Canadian girls he knows. He said they're having a party at six-ish I think."
"Am I invited? I might find a girlfriend!"


"This is Cavall Street. Tell your friends back home that you've been here and their jaws will drop."


"No-one really needs windscreen wipers anyway. That's why I don't use them."


"Gordon Ramsey is just a genuinely really bad person. I hate him, he's going to Hell. He's probably the worst person that ever existed. He's really nasty, isn't he?"


"Miranda Kerr is basically doing nothing for money. She's just selling her body because she's pretty. She's a slut. A slut, just like all models."